


Swine Flu

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Gen, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-06
Updated: 2009-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 16:20:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3494954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hey, somebody had to do it.<br/>They accidentally discover the swine flu “epidemic” and panic.<br/>Today I woke up sick.  Odds are good it’s <i>not</i> swine flu, except of course, I live in Texas, so....<br/>Anyway, blame that. (I’ll be fine.)<br/>Warnings: Well if homicidal band members disturb you, you probably shouldn't even be a fan of this show.  Lots of killing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swine Flu

Nathan was watching TV. The others were... I don’t know, somewhere else, doing whatever they do. None of them ever bothered watching the news (except for the Dethklok Minute), but the batteries in the footswitch just happened to pick that channel to die on. And so this is how Nathan _finally_ heard about this “swine flu”. 

He went looking for everyone else, they just happened to all be in the kitchen. “Hey guys listen up! I just saw this thing, on TV. About swine flu. It’s like, gonna kill everyone, or something.”  
There was a worried silence. _Why_ hadn’t they been told about this?  
Then Murderface coughed.

They all screamed like little girls and leapt across the room. Okay, Toki and Pickles screamed like little girls. Nathan screamed like a man, and Skwisgaar was really more of the silent type.  
They stared at Murderface in horror.  
“What? It’sh nothing you pusshies.”  
Pickles shook his head sadly. “We’re gonna hafta put him down, jest to be safe.”

“You can’t kill me, I’m the bassh player!”  
“Well um, we could get another? Yeah.”  
Skwisgaar didn’t seem enthused with the idea. “Maybes we just locks him in his rooms?  
“That’s not cool, I’d fucking stharve!”  
Toki considered this. “Is really messy, you has rats in there. You can just eats the rats.”

“You’re _not_ locking me in my room and making me live on ratsh!”  
“Whoa, good song title.”  
“Nat’an, focus! Well dude, it’s that or we kill ya. Pick one.”  
“Fine! Maybe I schould just kill myshelf, would that make you happy?”  
“Uh, yeah, that might be easier. Actually.”  
“Fuck you all!” He stomped off to his room, they followed at a safe distance.  
Once he’d slammed the door, they ran up and shot the bolt. (This is why it’s a bad idea to pick a room in the dungeon, Murderface.)

As they were walking back, they heard a sneeze.  
“Oh shit it’s spreading! Run!”  
“Dude, no! We gotta take control of this before everyone gits infected! Wait here.” Pickles ran off, and the others were they were in the otherwise empty hallway, waiting.  
Very nervously waiting.

Pickles came back, carrying guns. “Okay, I’ve only gat two gins, who’s gonna help me take out the infected?  
“Whoa, I didn’t know you uh, liked guns. Had guns.”  
“There’s prab’ly a lot ya don’t know about me Nat’an. Now who’s gonna help?”  
Toki stepped up, “I will helps you kill them Pickle.”  
Pickles grinned and handed over a gun, which Toki examined and seemed to find acceptable. 

Skwisgaar was disturbed and worried by all this. “If yous goings to be runnings around killings everyone, I’s goings to stays in my room for nows.”  
Nathan, since he didn’t have a gun anyway, figured that sounded like a pretty good idea. He didn’t know about Pickles, but when Toki started shooting up stuff he tended to get a bit too trigger happy. Best to just stay out of the way, mostly.

Toki and Pickles prowled the hallways, their pockets stuffed with spare clips.  
They heard a sneeze from a room just ahead. Upon entering they saw two Klokateers.  
“Ah crap Toki, how do we know which one it was?”  
“We kills them both, just to be sures.”  
Pickles nodded, and they raised their guns, killing the hoods.  
“Okays, let’s go finds more.”

It seemed that everywhere they went, someone was either sneezing, coughing, or both. They kept blasting away at them.  
Other Klokateers were hard pressed to remove the bodies before more piled up all over the place, but they kept at it. They were well trained.

Toki favored head shots “So they doesn’t come back as zombies,” while Pickles preferred to aim for the heart.  
Nathan, hearing all the gunfire form the relative safety of his room, was thinking that they had caught this just in time, and maybe they could stop it.  
Skwisgaar was pretty freaked out, and suppressing an urge to sneeze. Being gunned down by his bandmates would be kind of romantic, but would mostly just really suck.

Charles, at a meeting, got a frantic phone call from 314. “My lord, they discovered swine flu! They’re killing anyone who sneezes!”  
“Slow down. Who’s doing the killing?”  
“Toki and Pickles, sir!”  
“How many have they killed?”  
“I’ve lost count, sir! It’s allergy season, so many are sneezing!”  
“Okay, I’m on my way. Tell everyone to take some allergy medicine, and to try to avoid running into them.”

Charles made it home quickly. Apparently he couldn’t leave them alone for even a couple hours without everything going all to hell. He wondered why he was even surprised.  
He could see a large black mound behind the haus. Klokateer bodies, lots of them.  
Charles went in search of his little executioners, terrified Klokateers pointing his way. Finally he caught up with them, noting that they were indeed armed.

“Toki, Pickles, give me the guns. This has gone way too far.”  
They looked uncertain.  
And then Charles sneezed.  
“Oh dude, naught you too!”  
“Fucks Pickle, I can’t shoot Mr. Managers!”  
“Fine, I’ll do it. Sahrry dude.” Pickles raised his gun.  
Charles, realizing they were fucking serious about this, quickly and efficiently disarmed them both.

Pickles rubbed his wrist, “Ow dude. Not cool.”  
Toki was just giving him kicked puppy looks from the floor where he’d landed.  
“I have _allergies_ , a lot of the Klokateers have allergies, swine flu isn’t even very deadly.... God you can all be so _stupid_ sometimes! This is just... Come on, band meeting!”  
They followed him meekly. Maybe they did get a little carried away?

They sat around the table. Murderface, who had been freed from his room, looked pissed. Skwisgaar still looked nervous.  
“Okay listen up! This swine flu is _not_ a big deal, and certainly not a reason to kill so many of your employees. I’m very disappointed in you all.”  
There were objections.  
“I wash jusht locked in my room, I didn’t schoot anyone!”  
“I uh, like didn’t shoot anybody? Either?”  
“Don’t let dem kills me!”

Charles sighed. “Nathan, you should have stopped them, they usually listen to you. Murderface, I’m not blaming you this time. Skwisgaar, why are you so worried?”  
Then Skwisgaar sneezed, causing another mini-panic.  
“STOP THIS! Look, everyone who works here _and all of you_ have had a preventive shot. Nobody here has swine flu! Now stop this shit! Seriously, just go get drunk or something.”

 

Oh, that sounded like a really good idea. So off they went.

Charles went to his office and started composing an ad for replacement employees.  
Well, at least homicidal rampages weren’t an everyday occurrence.


End file.
